Disconnected - Chapter Fifteen is Up!

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Skunk_Giant
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Disconnected - Chapter Fifteen is Up!

Post by Skunk_Giant » 07 Feb 2011, 06:19

Hey guys! This is just a little story I've begun writing and will hopefully finish. :D
I'll update it every few days with a new chapter.

Anyway, I know I'm not too great at writing, so don't expect J.K.Rowling...

The story is a bit weird to start off and will make little sense. The key is to continue reading and unravel the mysteries as the main character does too. To start it off, here's a small teaser. The teaser is 'you do this' and 'you do that', but the rest of the story will be 3rd person.

You open your eyes.

You're in a car, a seven seater. Without looking or listening, you know there's only one other person in the car, the driver. You watch the road, already knowing the driver is forty-three years and seven months old. He's an experienced driver, and does this for a living.
He has a wife and four children. His two boys love sport, and his two girls have a talent in singing.
You don't know his name.

You're on a bridge, an ascending one. You can't see where it starts to descend, but you know you're high up.

Above the car, a civilian plane flies overhead carrying exactly 457 people. Other cars pass you on the road, speeding.

Finally, you see an end to the road, but it's not good. It'll take you down, but too fast, for this road is not complete. You begin to panic as the car speeds up, heading for this suicidal drop. You look to your driver, but he's no longer moving. In fact, everything has stopped. The birds in the sky, the cars on the road, the dust particles in the air.

Nothing moves but you.

You try to scream, knowing what's next. Everything suddenly starts again. The plane drops out of the sky, crashing through the incomplete bridge. The cars roll backwards, their drivers no longer responding. But your car, it continues.

As the car flies off the edge of the bridge, you know it's over. You shut your eyes, and everything goes silent.

You do not feel anything, nor do you hear anything. Nothing, but your own breath and whisper.

"Fu**."

You open your eyes, and you're standing in a formal restaurant.

Prologue

Nathan Arch approached the glass door, a green duffel bag in his left hand. This door, 23 centimeters thick was all that separated him from fresh air. It was the boundaries of the airport and would take him to his flight. From the sound of the wind blowing and the sun's glow touching his skin.
Oh how he longed for that simple, natural feel. To feel the sand run through his feet, or the rain splash on his shoulders. Perhaps one day.
Arch pushed the door open, and shut his eyes.

He opened them to find himself in an uncomfortable seat, balanced only by the free juice on his armrest.
He looked to his left and found a man, thirty-five years and three months next to him.
The man was pale with scruffy brown hair.

"Damn, gets me every time. I think I'm gonna be sick." he reached for a paper bag in the pocket of the seat in front of him and sat there for a moment, his face in the bag. "No, never mind." He turned towards Nathan and put out a hand. "Hi, my name's George Carter."
Nathan reluctantly took the man's hand. "Nathan Arch."

As the flight took off, Carter squeezed the armrest, his fingers going a bloody red in comparison to his face which had gotten more and more pale.
Nathan was used to the flights, he was constantly travelling, never staying in one place. No, he would travel as long as he needed, five days, five years, five centuries. He would travel until he finally felt the natural air on caressing his face. Then, and only then, would he stop travelling.
He took a glance to Carter who's face had now changed from a pale white, to a sickening green.
He focused on Carter for a moment, as information fed through his head.
Within three seconds, he knew Carter was separated but still married to his wife. He had three children and had a well paying job up until a month ago when he was let go. He now has the kids one week a month. His eldest child, a boy, was seventeen and a troublemaker.
His younger two children were also boys, twins. He couldn't tell much about the twins except that they were four and two months.

"So, Carter, you have any family?" Nathan asked in an attempt to get Carter's attention. He knew the man had been focusing on him, trying to get some information, but Nathan wouldn't let that happen. He had abandoned his own personal information years ago. He didn't know who he was, if he had a family, nothing. All he knew was that his name was Nathan Arch and that he had to keep moving, he could never let the memories catch up with him.

Carter stopped focusing. "Uh, yeah, I've got three boys and a wife who I'm," he paused, "who I'm happily married to."

Nathan turned back to his window. Carter had obviously been on the losing end of the marriage, his wife kicked him out. It was amazing how much more Nathan could find out about people now that he didn't have his own information to protect.

Nathan took a sip of the juice, a terrible taste sinking in his mouth.

Then, everything blurred. The plane slowly tipped and pointed to the ocean below. The pilot's voice rang over their seats.

"Attention all passengers, this is you pilot speaking. We've had an engine failure, and we'll be crashing into the ocean at a high speed." he said calmly. Nathan began sweating. Crashing? How could the pilot be so calm about crashing?
He looked around. Everyone was shutting their eyes as though they were going to sleep. Carter took a last gulp of his juice and turned to Nathan.
"Damn it Arch, shut your eyes!"
Carter reached over and pushed Nathan's eyes shut before shutting his own.

Then, nothing.

Nathan opened his eyes in a panic. He screamed at the top of his lungs and found himself in the middle of a busy street. Everyone stopped and looked at him.
Among the crowd of people, was Carter.
"Wait. No. What, what is this? Why am I? Where? How did I? Carter, how did? We were on a plane, what happened? We were-"
Carter sighed.
"Nathan..."
Nathan blinked in disbelief and found himself sitting in a comfortable red chair in an apartment. Across from him, Carter sat. "We have to talk."
ACT I - A NEW WORLD
Chapter One

Run. That was all that was running through Charlie Travis's head. No... there was something else... but what? Charlie stopped. He just stood there in this... this war zone, because he had somehow forgotten the thing most dear to him. She was nowhere to be seen, his little girl, his girl who he had promised to stay with forever, who he had promised to keep safe, was gone.
She had trusted him, and he had forgotten her.
"Zoey!" he screamed, straining his voice over the gunfire, but the only reply he received was the scream of dying men in this man-made apocalypse.
Tears rolled off his cheek, mixing with the blood and muddy water hiding the ground as he ran for hours, not stopping once. He searched, screaming her name, telling himself he would find her, he would find her and never let her go, but Travis knew in his heart, he would never see his girl again. Never hear her sweet laugh or see her innocent eyes. At least, not the real her. When he finally accepted this cruel fact, he sank to his knees, and shut his eyes.

"Charlie? Charlie, are you there?"
Charlie looked up at the aging man sitting in front of him. His therapist, and now his only friend, Dr Leonard Griffin sat, scribbling on his notepad.
"Sorry, just, taking a while to get back." Charlie responded.
"Of course, I'm sure something as..." he paused, "troubling as that would take a while to get back from. Now, Charlie, I want you to answer a few questions, as usual. First of all, was there any difference this time than the others?"
Charlie thought for a moment, a tear threatening to drop from his eye.
"N-no," his voice staggered, the memories flooding back in, "it was just the same. Just Zoey, Zoey leaving me. And my damn brain caught up so much with escaping, getting to the ship, that I lose my own daughter."
There was a small moment where nothing could be heard but the scribbles of Dr Griffin. He stopped scribbling, got himself comfortable and took a deep breath.
"Charlie, we've been working on this for quite a while now, and I think there's something in your brain stopping you from realising that it's not real. My goal, and what I think will help you recover from the loss of your daughter, is for you to see what would happen, had you saved her.
I believe, if you had stopped to save Zoey, you would have missed the evac, resulting again, in her death as well as yours. I want to show you that what you did was right, but the only way I can do that, is when you realise that what you're doing is not real. In times like these, you can easily tell the difference, but when you're in that particular moment of time, that memory, you forget everything and your animal instinct kicks in, which is to get to safety. If you remember that it's not real, you'll remember there's no danger, you'll remember that your daughter needs you." Dr Griffin finished.
"But, I knew she needed me, I just, couldn't help her." Charlie cried.
"Because you didn't know you were safe."
"Then what does that prove? It proves I put my own life in front of my daughter's!"
Dr Griffin took another deep breath and rubbed his mustache, it was one of his habits in situations like these.
"Charlie, I think we should revisit this tomorrow. I'll re-arrange the scene, and you can try entering it again. We'll use a few different techniques to try and progress in this problem." Dr Griffin concluded.
Charlie shut his eyes.

"We need to talk." Those words, they changed Nathan in a way nothing ever had. Suddenly, he was in Carter's home. Who knows how?
"Where am I? How'd you bring me here? If this is some messed up trick you've played, I'll-"
"Nathan, sit down for a moment. I'm trying to help you. I need you to think when I ask you this? Where were you going? On the flight, where were you going and where were you coming from?"
Nathan sat nervously in the chair, ready to spring at any moment. He processed the question clearly for hours, and then he realised.
"I-I don't know..."
Chapter Two

"I-I don't know..."
"Nathan, you've been tricked. I need you to think very carefully." Carter began.
"No! I'm not gonna do anything more until you explain what's going on! You've... you've drugged me haven't you? What do you think, I'm just another guy you can play games with?" Nathan jumped up, knocking his chair backwards. "I'm calling the police, and if you try to stop me..."
"You'll what? Dial a bit quicker?" Carter paused. Nathan, shut your eyes.
"Shut my eyes? I'm not falling for that again. Who knows what you did in those moments?"
"Shut your eyes Nathan. Now." Carter's voice was far more demanding now as Nathan reached into his pocket, searching for his phone.
"Or what? Why should I listen to you?"
Carter calmed down, speaking smoothly again. "I said, shut your eyes, now." Carter had revealed a small gun.
"What... what are you doing? Put it down..." Nathan said, his voice quivering.
"Shut your eyes."
Nathan did as he was told.

He saw nothing, nor did he hear anything... nothing but the shot, and the sound of tearing flesh as it hit his heart.

Charlie took his usual route home, his usual routine while at home, and finally, he sat down, shut his eyes, and opened them again, now standing on a remote beach, no signs of civilization to be seen. He did this every night, travelling to different parts of the world with the blink of an eye, literally. For in this world, he could travel anywhere he liked, even the most remote, unexplored areas of the world.
He would travel here every night, tossing away memories of his daughter, slowly trying to convince himself she was just a figment of his imagination, that she had never existed.
But not once, not once had he returned and slept well, for he was forever haunted by the image of his daughter, the possibilities of her fate.
Had the rebels taken her? Tortured her? Or would they have been kind enough to simply end it all instantly? Had the Government gotten her? Wired her brain to one of the data cells? Had she somehow made it to the evac but been sent off to another world, never to see her father again? Or had she simply lay there, waiting for her father to return as the world burnt around her?
Every night, these thoughts ran through Charlie's head, no matter how hard he tried to forget them.
And so, he traveled to this lonely beach again, drunk in his own mind.
And in the end, when he had spent his time, he would shut his eyes, and he would be in his room again, and his attempts at sleep would begin.
But one day, one day it would change. He promised himself that one day his life would change, and when that day came, he would no longer weep for his daughter, lost in the ruins of a shattered world.
Chapter Three

Dr Griffin sat at his desk, overwhelmed. He brushed his hand through his gold hair and stared at himself in the mirror for a moment, stuck on what to do for Chris. His oval shaped face, his flat mustache and his round glasses reminded him of the shows he had seen of people in the old days. The 1970's. How he would have loved to live then, it had seemed such an exciting time with the advancement of human technology. The peaceful advancement. Now, every time something peaceful was invented, there was a war declared over who gets to have it first.
He was so deep in his thought that he nearly screamed when he heard the faint knocking on his large wooden doors.
Griffin made his way to the grand doors, pulling them open, wondering who would be here at this time.
A young woman stood there, marks on her face representing a lack of sleep. She was rather short and had long black hair, matching with her black top and contrasting with her white pants. She held a small backpack by one strap.
They stood, staring at each other for a few moments.
"Yes?" Griffin began, "is there something wrong?"
"My name's Alia Henderson," she walked into the room, past Griffin who was still holding the door open. "Remember that. Forget it, and you'll have failed your job." She put the backpack down on a glass table, pushing some files out of the way.
Griffin shut the door, hurrying to the girl. "Remember what? I, I don't usually take clients that-"
"The name. Remember the name. Don't worry, I'm not gonna be around for long, and after I go, you'll never see me again." She sat down on one of Griffin's antique, leather chairs. "Now, as I was saying. My name's Alia Henderson, and if I had planned on knowing you longer, I would suggest you call me Ally like my friends did, but there's no point. Just remember, some may know me by Ally."
Griffin, as he usually did, reached for a notepad, scribbled down some information, and scratched at his mustache.

"A couple of years ago, I gave birth to two twins. I was young, nineteen, and the father never spoke to me again. I've cared for the kids on my own for two years, and now they're gone." She stated, as though it were normal to suddenly lose two children.
Griffin looked up from his notepad. "Excuse me?"
"My kids, they're gone."
"Well, what do you mean they're gone?"
"They're just gone, OK? I went into their room one day and they weren't there."
"I see... So you want me to help you through this phase? Help you until they're found?"
"No. I have no plans to see you again after this. They went missing one week ago. The police did an investigation and believe the children are dead. They told me this two days after they went missing. At first I thought it was the father, but I realised he had no reason for it, and something else bugged me. The police thought they were dead less than 48 hours after they disappeared."
"I see..." Griffin replied, not knowing why she was telling him this. This was the norm though for someone as well known as him. Strangers knocking on his door and telling him their story, then leaving happy, just because they spoke to someone who's meant to help them. Even though anyone else could say the exact same things as him, it felt better coming from a professional, so he sat their, scribbling as she spoke.
"So then I realised the truth."
"Oh?"
"The Government took my kids. A boy and a girl, they took both of them to be Hosts."
Griffin stopped his scribbling there. "Excuse me?"
"Hosts. The younger the better, right? My kids were nearly two, perfect age."
"Mrs... Henderson?"
"Alia." she corrected him.
"Alia, I don't believe the government would still be collecting hosts, not at a time like this. Everything has been set up, there's no need for a host."
"That's what I thought too, but I have a feeling, I just know they took them."
"So Alia, why did you come to me? Do you understand what I do for a living?"
"Yes. I know you're a therapist, but that's not what I want you for." she handed Griffin a small envelope. "That's not to be opened for 24 hours. This time tomorrow, you may open it."
"What's in this Alia?"
"I can't tell you Dr Griffin, but I need you to promise me you'll follow everything in that envelope. Everything. Can you promise me that?"
"Yes Alia," Dr Griffin said, looking the young mother in the eye. She stared at him for a few more moments before he understood. "Yes, I promise I will follow everything in the envelope, Alia."
"Thank you." She stood up, reaching for her backpack. "Goodbye Dr Griffin, I believe you're a truly amazing man, but you'll have to prove it. Please, open that 24 hours from now and follow my instructions. Goodnight, Dr Griffin."
With that, Alia Henderson opened the large wooden doors and left without another word, leaving Leonard Griffin with nothing but a small envelope in his hands.

"Nathan, you're OK."
"Help me, help me! Please" Nathan cried out. Carter stood over him.
"Nathan, quit whining. You're perfectly fine, you're just shocked. You're not hurt at all your brain just thinks you are, so it's causing you to think you're in pain. Now get up before I put you in some real pain.
Nathan squirmed on the floor for a few more moments before standing up.
He was no longer in Carter's room. No, he was now on top of one of the largest buildings in the city.
"Wh-where are we?" he asked, shocked.
"A place where you can't run. You need to listen to me. The plane crash wasn't real." Carter said.
"Yes it was... It was! I should have died! Just like when you shot me then!" he yelled, pointing at Carter, looking for someway to escape.
"Nathan, if you're not reasonable, I'm just gonna have to leave you, and that'll ruin both of us."
Nathan calmed down. "Fine, tell me everything."
"First, I want to tell you, you were drugged, but not by us."
"Who's us?" Nathan questioned.
"Me. Not by me." Carter corrected himself. "Think back to the flight. What's your earliest memory in relation to it?"
"I was in the airport, just about to board the flight." Nathan began, remembering back to the moment.
"Did you consume anything? Anything at all?"
"Not that I can think of..."
Carter sighed. "Damn it, Nathan. What about family, do you have any family?"
"I'm... not sure. I, I think I do."
"You think you do?"
"No, I don't. I definitely don't." Nathan decided.
There was a pause while Carter thought to himself. He sighed and pulled a small device out of his pocket and handed it to Nathan. It was a small ball.
"Nathan, I want you to put this in your ear. It'll allow me to talk to you where you're going."
"Where am I going?"
"That's next. I need you to shut your eyes again. Trust me. Shut your eyes, and step backwards."
"Are you kidding me? I'll step right off the edge!"
"Nathan, you've cheated death twice already, you'll do it again." Another pause. "Just listen to me through this headset, and follow my instructions. Good luck, my friend."

And with that, Carter pushed Nathan off the edge, one hundred meters, to what should be his death.
In the moments before he hit the ground, Nathan prayed Carter was right.
Chapter Four

Alia Henderson, twenty-one years old, had planned this for days. Her two children had always counted on her. She remembered their cries of delight when they saw her after a long day at work, and she knew they couldn't be alone anymore. No. She couldn't leave them. She stepped into her cold, dust filled room. She had lived with them, in this small, room. It was an apartment, cheap, but it was enough to keep them safe. In the very corner, a small, stained, second hand mattress lay on the floor up against the wall. Next to it, two cots stood, one pink, one blue. A single window brought light into the room, revealing the floating particles of dust.
She wouldn't leave them.

"Charlie, I'm, I'm not sure what it is, but we're not getting through here. When you enter that world, that burning world with your daughter you need to save her. You need to forget your life. Be irrational, forget your instincts. You need to see what would happen HAD you saved her." Dr Griffin stated, scratching at his mustache.
Charlie sat in his chair, feeling miserable.
"Could it be the fact that I'm the host? I mean, I'm an adult, aren't you meant to have children as hosts?" Charlie asked.
"Children are the ideal hosts for a world in which we live, but not something like this. The thing that makes children so good as hosts is the fact that they're minds are still simple, and they don't know the true unfairness of the world yet, the fact that innocent people die. This means we have a nearly blank canvas, with the only things already there, the triumph of good. The Government then builds on that blank canvas and creates a world. It's rather ironic, however, as the act of taking the children is rather evil.
As for your case, we need an adult mind that knows the true evil of humanity. We also need someone who knows the exact specifics of what happened to you, and the only person that knows that, is you. I can try to imagine what you went through, but I can never know for sure, so we need you to be your own host. Since there's no other real people in that world, the host is able to live in it, so it works well." said Griffin.
Charlie listened intently to this, while staring at a small envelope on Griffin's desk.
"Dr Griffin, if you don't mind me asking, what's that envelope?"
Griffin stared at the envelope, then to his watch.
"It's nothing Charlie..." he began, but curiosity defeated him this time. "Excuse me, I just need to check something."
Griffin grabbed his antique letter opener and cut the envelope open, pulling out the contents.
He read it silently to himself as Charlie sat with a bored look on his face.
Dr Leonard Griffin,

I cannot leave my children, they need me, and I, perhaps more so, need them. I feel I have a duty to be with them, as their mother, and only true relative, and I feel that should my beliefs be wrong (which I believe they are not), I should have a plan for them.

I told you earlier that I believe my twins are dead. No matter what, if I am wrong, I want you to care for them. Please.
But to the more important aspect, I want you to find the truth. I believe I'm correct in saying the Government took my beautiful children, so I want you to find out the truth and make sure whoever did this, is brought to justice. You will find me at the center warehouse in the city. Bury me.


"Oh God..." Leonard stiffened. He now saw what this girl meant... He had to help her... He had opened this an hour early, perhaps she hadn't done it yet... Perhaps this would be an opportunity for Charlie too... If he could save her, he may feel less guilty.
"Charlie, I need your help. A girl is about to die, and I need you to help me save her. Please, Charlie."

Charlie sprung up. They both knew that this was his chance, his chance to save this girl. She may not be his daughter, but Alia was a stepping stone, a rung in the ladder to saving Zoey.
Griffin had to save her, it was mainly sympathy. This girl with no family or friends, this innocent girl, had resorted to having her last conversation with a man she didn't know. She had trusted him, he wouldn't let her down.

Nathan's eyes sprung open. He was in a cold, dark room. That was his first thought. Cold. It wasn't just the frosting over the grey ground, no, it was more than that. He actually felt cold. He hadn't realised it, but before, he never felt this feeling.
He brushed away the thought and took to his surroundings. Around him, people lay on small beds at a 45 degree angle. A golden helmet blocked their faces from his view.
There was something eerie, something strange about this place.
"Hello?" Nathan called out, his voice echoing through the long room of still bodies. No reply.
Cautious, but curious, Nathan continued down the room. Hundreds of bodies, lying, their faces covered, their bare skin frosted over. He reached a small door and pulled it back.
Bang! A body fell onto him, causing him to slip on the icy floor below. He looked up and found the pale face of a man, his eyes wide open, staring into Nathan's.
The man had no pulse. He was like a cube of ice, cold and a blue-ish white. Nathan rolled him over in horror and began to scream.
"Where the hell am I?" he called, his voice echoing throughout the rooms. "CARTER? Where the bloody hell am I?"
A voice crackled over the headset.
"Nathan, Nathan can you hear me?"
"Carter, I'm out of here, how do I get out of here?"
"Nathan, calm down, this is amazing, we're communicating through worlds. This is history in the making."
"Carter, enough of your bulls**t. I want to go back to normal life. Now."
"Please Nathan, I need you to head up through the rooms. Keep going until your reach a turn."
"No, I'm out. No more of your crazy s**t."
Carter sighed.
"OK Nathan, I can get you back here, but you'll be wanting my help soon, and the only way I'll be able to help you is if you do as I say and come back here."
"If I need your help, we'll talk, but for now I'm through with this."
"OK Nathan, head back to where you were when you woke up. You'll see a helmet lying by. Put it on, go to the spare bed, and shut your eyes."

Alia calmly stood up on the windowsill and looked to the drop below. Ten stories high.
She couldn't leave her kids.
They needed her.
She needed them.
Chapter Five
The rusty old car pulled up outside the apartment block and Griffin and Charlie stepped out, rushing into the building. Griffin took a quick view of his surroundings. No dead body, that was a good sign.
The two men rushed up the emergency stairs, hoping to God they wouldn't be too late.

Ali watched the sky. The clouds never moved, the wind never blew. It would be quick, painless. She took a deep breath.

Charlie reached the top of the stairs first, but now there was a long hall of small apartments to search.

Alia looked down at the street, counting the people down there. Checking to make sure the speed of her fall would be enough. Another breath.

Griffin checked the number on the envelope she had given him. This was her apartment.
He pulled the door open, unsure of what to expect. "Alia!"

Ali looked to Griffin and his friend. This other man with Griffin ran at her. They wouldn't stop her, wouldn't take her from her children.

Charlie rushed for the girl. He launched himself across the room and watched in horror as she fell back, off the window ledge.
"S**T! NO!" Griffin leaned over the edge of the window sill with Charlie. They were helpless as Alia, this young, lonely girl, accelerated towards the concrete floor below.

Nathan rushed back, running through the dark hallways of this place. It was all the same. Cold, dark, grey rooms. He didn't know where he was, nor did he necessarily want to know.
The bodies around him were still and pale, he was sure they were dead.
That's why Nathan was surprised, when he heard a scream.

Alia woke, a dark, cold room. She screamed, the shock of smacking the ground so hard still fresh in her brain. Looking around, she found nothing but bodies. She screamed out of frustration. Now she would die slowly, starving and alone. She had feared this may be the case.
"Hello?" a voice echoed through the halls. Alia's heart lifted.
"Yes? Hello? Where are you?" She called back, hope rising.

Nathan watched from a distance, unsure whether he could trust this new person... She stood, calling out for anyone else. Was she has confused as he? He approached her.
"Tell me you know where we are," he begged.
"You, you don't know? We're dead, we're gone. When you die in that world, this is the result," she replied.
Nathan refused to believe he was stuck here.
"What? No! NO! I'm not stuck here! There has to be a way out! There is a way out! This can't be some sort of hell!"
"How did it happen?" she asked calmly.
"Excuse me?"
"How did you die?"
Nathan was shocked at the absurd, horribly timed question, but perhaps this woman could help him.
"I was pushed from a building..."
"And your eyes?" she asked.
"My eyes?"
"Were they open?"
"N-no... I was told to keep them shut."
"You lucky ba**ard... Put the helmet on and you'll be back in your world. It's only if your eyes were open that you're stuck here." She stated.
"Wait, what? Why do the eyes matter?"
"Do you know anything? This is basic stuff. If your eyes are still open, everything's being processed. If your eyes are shut, it's all saved. When your eyes are open when you die, it corrupts everything, you're gone. You're stuck up here. The one fatal mistake when all this was programmed. I guess if the rebels had given us a year or two more, we might have patched it up a bit."
Nathan's mind was spinning, but if this meant he could leave, he'd just grab the helmet. "What about you?" he asked, "why aren't you going back?"
"I-I can't... I don't really want to." Alia stated. She knew she did though. Her twins wouldn't want her to starve, to die alone. She was a fool, and now she couldn't get back home.
"You don't want to? You'd rather live in this lonely hellhole?" he questioned.
Alia sighed. "The point is, I can't return, even if I wanted too..."

A voice crackled over Nathan's earpiece.
"Nathan, I can get this girl home. I can get you both home, and I can help you of this mess." It was Carter. "Like I said, you'd need my help eventually. So, you do as I say, and the two of you get to go home. Don't, and you're stuck up there. You're choice, but I'm running out of time."
Chapter Six

Griffin felt horrible. He had let this girl die, he had let her die a lonely death. But he wouldn't let her wishes go by.
As he sat in his small, rusty car, he told himself he wouldn't stop until he had found out what happened to her children.
Thankfully, he had some friends in high places.
Being a therapist, an expert on how people think, he was hired to help out after the evacuations. He would help the Government select which children would become hosts, and help mold the world.
He wasn't proud of what he had done, hooking kids up to machines, stuck as hosts for the rest of their lives while the others, those that weren't developed enough... they vanished.
But he had met some people, got his name out there. Without that, he wouldn't be in the position that he was today.
He pulled up outside the Government building. In this new world, the Government system had changed. It was more of a business now. You paid to live in this world. If you were caught living on the streets, not paying what you owe or not working it off, you would be given moments before you're 'asked' to leave.

Leonard pulled up outside of the grand building. The floors were made entirely of marble, the columns made of a white stone. This reminded Griffin constantly of the Greek buildings he had seen in books.

He walked into the building confidently. He had arranged to meet his friend, Terry Path, the 'President'. Path was the most powerful man in the world, and could have someone killed off in the click of his fingers. With another click, he could probably have them brought back.

Griffin made his way up the large stairs and came to the doors where to men in suits stood, sunglasses and communication devices around their faces. Identical, emotionless. He looked to the one on his right.
"Dr Leonard Griffin. I'm here to see President Path." He held out some ID.
The man looked at the ID and back up at him.
"Sorry Dr Griffin, the President displays his deepest apologies, but he's unable to see you today."
"Excuse me? He said I was his top priority. Can I please just speak to him for a moment?" Griffin asked.
"Dr Griffin, I'm going to have to ask you to leave or I will use force."
"Use force? Path has his rules, and you're legally unable to set one finger on me unless I pose a threat."
"Dr Griffin, we currently regard you as a threat, and we will take force if you don't leave."
Griffin eyed the guns poorly hidden by their jackets.
"Gentlemen, if you would be so kind as to tell Path that I stopped by."
"Yes, Dr Griffin."

Griffin cautiously got back into his car. He hadn't seen those men before, he knew nearly all the staff. Something was up, and he had a feeling the twins were part of it...

"Nathan, listen to me very carefully, because we don't have time to f**k this up." Carter began. "What you and the girl are in, is a ship."
"A ship? Like... a boat?"
"A ship in space, Nathan."
"Space? Bullsh*t. Our technology isn't advanced enough for this kind of stuff."
"Nathan, you don't know the half of it. What I need you to do, is travel up through the ship until you reach the Bridge. There, you will find a lot of confusing controls. Tell me when you get there, and I'll step you through this."
Nathan and Alia traveled through the heart of the ship, the perfectly still bodies, until they reached a large open room.
"Nathan, all I need you to do is change one thing. It'll be very simple, but we only have a minute or so before it's too late. Find the screen that says 'Angle Path' and tell me what it says."
Nathan and Alia searched urgently until they found it.
"Carter, it says it's a 56 degree angle. What does that mean?" Nathan asked.
"It means we need to change it... Turn it to a 98 degree angle. There should be a knob next to it."
Sure enough, there was a large black knob by the screen.
"Twenty seconds, Nathan. Hurry up!"
Alia turned it clockwise and the angle went up.
"Eight seconds!"
Alia turned again until it was 98.
"Alright, it's at 98 degrees, Carter, what now?"
Nathan could hear Carter laughing with joy.
"Now... Now Nathan, I'm a bloody happy man."
Chapter Seven

"That ship was about to be pulled into the gravity of a planet nearby. Thanks to you changing the angles, we veered away. A few more seconds and it would have been too late." Carter congratulated Nathan. He turned to Alia.
"I don't believe we've had the pleasure. The name's George Carter." He said, holding out a hand. Alia looked at his aged hand, not accepting the shake. After a moment, Carter withdrew his hand.
"I have some business to attend to, Nathan. I want to meet with you again soon and discuss what else I need your help with."
"Why should I help you?"
"Because in return, I'll keep you safe."
"Safe from what? Crazy guys kicking me off buildings?"
"Nathan, this is big. I've found something that will shake this world, and there will be people after both of us. Stay safe, Nathan, I'll see you soon."
With that, Carter left Nathan and Alia on the side path, driving away.

Charlie sat, depressed in house. Another death he couldn't prevent. Another lonely soul.
Suddenly, a knock by his door. Charlie leaped to his feet, happy for visitors, but upon opening the door, he found nothing but an envelope on his doorstep.
It had nothing but his name on it. Charlie tore it open.
From the office of President Path.
Charlie Travis, you are being written this because the President needs you help. We believe you know a Dr Leonard Griffin. This man is a criminal, and we need full co-operation from you.
Chapter Eight
Dr Griffin has been attempting to hack systems of the world to manipulate himself into power. What his intentions are, should he come to power are currently unknown, however, nevertheless, we feel an urgent need to stop him illegally taking power from our Government. President Path would appreciate if you met him at the Government Building tonight at 7:00. The note read more, stating boring political things, but Charlie didn't bother reading it. He was shocked that his only friend was supposedly a criminal. Who did he trust? He couldn't turn Griffin in, he couldn't bring himself to do it. He would confront them, find out why they wanted him to do this, and then refuse. They couldn't force him to.

Nathan sat down with Alia. They were at one of the fanciest restaurants in town according to Alia. Carter had arranged to meet Nathan there, but he was running late.
"So, do you think you could shed some light on this all?" he asked her, hopefully.
"Nathan, I'm a bit unsure of reality myself. Leave it to that other guy."
"Carter hasn't been the most helpful person recently... So, how'd you end up in that... that ship with me?"
"Well, we were all already there I guess, but I assume you mean, how'd I wake up? Well, some years ago, I got a kick out of extreme things. Y'know, before the evacs and the rebellions. Jumping from planes and parachuting down was an average day for me. Then, when we got here, well, I realised there was so much more potential. This world was the ultimate place for extreme things.
So, I found one of the server host sellers, the 'unofficial ones'. I felt bad about those children, I really did, but they were already gone. Too far out to be brought back in.
Then, I would commit suicide. I'd do it every day, shutting my eyes at the last moment. It was the ultimate rush. A while later, I had two twins. They were beautiful, but... but my boyfriend didn't seem to think so. I never saw the bastard again.
After he left, I spent all those depressing moments in my once amazing worlds, but never did any of the extreme things I used to.
Then, just recently... my children..." she began sobbing, "they were taken from me. I couldn't live with myself for letting those cold hearted Government bastards take them from me, so I... I jumped out of my window, and I didn't shut my eyes. When I woke up in the ship, I realised I wanted the world back, so I took your friend's offer."

She was still sobbing softly, Nathan didn't think it was the best time to ask all his questions. Instead, Carter barged into the restaurant, ungracefully sitting down at the head of the table. He saw Alia.

"I see you brought the girl..." he observed. Nathan nodded.
"Alright Nathan, today I'm going to teach you everything you already knew. I'm going to explain it all..."
"Go ahead, explain to me why death is so casual, explain to me why death isn't permanent. Explain it all." He agreed.
"Nathan, let's start off with something simple. What decade is this?"
Nathan wasn't entirely sure... Strange... "Between two thousand and ten and two thousand and twenty? I... I honestly don't know..."
"Exactly. You don't remember anything before the flight. The truth is, the date is somewhere in the twenty-one hundreds. Hell, it could be past three thousand AD.
In 2105, the Government of the US released a new form of Government, one which made them more like a business than a Government. This quickly spread to other Western countries, it seemed like a good idea at the time. By 2107, the US had lost three states to rebels. It turned out, not so man people liked the form of Government anymore. These rebels had taken major states which boosted moral of those who weren't happy with the Government in other countries. Slowly, rebels sprouted up.
In 2109, a Counter-Rebel tactic began. This was to strip them of their power, stopping the cores of the rebels, but it was only then, that the Governments realised that there was more than one rebel group. There were multiple. All were unhappy with the current Government, but some wanted different Governments to others.
By 2111, half of the US was officially controlled by a Rebel group. This group used their new found power to take out the other groups, who banded together. With the war in chaos, World War Three seemed imminent. The UN prepared an evacuation operation, fearing the worse."
Nathan's mind was rushing at a million miles an hour. All this information, what had happened to him? Carter continued.
"By this time, we had mastered space travel, but Earth was the only planet we had inhabited. Scientists were suspecting a new planet of being habitable, but didn't know for sure. This planet was our only option, so they piled everyone onto the largest ship. It was so big, it could hold just over the world's population, if they remained still. So, people piled on board the ship, in efforts to reach the new planet. Of course, space travel isn't as quick as in the movies...
They hooked everyone up to an experimental program called 'The Dreamer Program'. This connected people to servers, almost like a video game, an alternate reality. They would attach a small helmet to their head which would put them to sleep and feed signals into their head of the world they were in. This, mixed in with the extremely low temperature, kept the bodies from aging, like 'Cryo Sleep'.
Each server had a theme, ours is the twenty first century. From first view, it's almost identical to those times.
Now, shutting your eyes, all your data, everything you've seen since you last blinked or slept, is backed up to the server host's mind. That's why, once you die, you must shut your eyes, moments before, otherwise you'll wake up from the Dreamer and have a corrupted helmet, meaning you have to spend the rest of your days in the ship. If you're lucky, you'll die from shock rather than starving or freezing.
Our little friend here," he gestured to Alia, "didn't want to shut her eyes, and for that, she nearly did get stuck there. But thanks to me, she found a few spares, didn't you? You're welcome."

She gave him a filthy look.

"I guess some people are just naturally ungrateful." Carter muttered before continuing his lesson. "So, when you die, you wake up from the Dreamer. When we were on that plane, we woke up from the Dreamer and were automatically placed in this world again, because we shut our eyes. When I shot you, we re-appeared on that building, and when I kicked you off, the server host's mind took to much information at once, causing you to wake up. It was as simple as reconnecting, but I had planned on it happening. I needed you to shift the angle. The ship was about to be pulled in, taking us off course from our planet."

"What about these Server Hosts? What are they?" Nathan asked. At this point, Alia began sobbing again, and Carter began talking again, oblivious to the depressed girl next to him.

"Server Hosts keep it all together. The entire world is the mind of a Server Host. He or she, having taken all this information, is usually beyond repair if Disconnected from the Server. They're brain dead, some even completely dead.
Unfortunately, due to the minds of adults knowing the harsh reality of life, we need young children, who see the world as a fun, happy place. This helps reduce natural disasters, where as if an adult who had been through stressful times was the Host, the world would be in the worst of their times constantly. If that makes sense.
Because of this, many were unhappy with using the Dreamers, having children's life sacrificed for their own, but ultimately, the Government decided billions of lives were worth the life of some children. The Government would steal children before they sent the evac ship away, and use these children as Hosts."

"And what about my children?" Alia asked bitterly. "Why would they steal my beautiful children now? They have enough servers, they're pure evil."

Before Carter could answer that, a glass next to Nathan blew into millions of shards, and a dark bullet pierced through the wooden table, into his foot.
Chapter Nine

Carter sprung into action, pushing the table down and leaping for cover, pulling Nathan with him.
"You see Nathan, this is the danger of this world. If you're killed, and you don't expect it that's it. You're corrupted, and stuck up on the ship to die."
He leaped up and fired a shot back at whoever was shooting. There was more than one person, Nathan could tell from the rate of gunfire.
"So why not just shut your eyes the moment you get into a life threatening situation?" Nathan asked, panic in his voice, his eyes shut tight.
"Doesn't work like that. Imagine you have a file on a computer. If you continuously save, it'll only save the first time. The other times, there's nothing new, so it doesn't bother. Your mind works a bit like that. If you have your eyes shut for more than 10 seconds or so, you're still gonna be corrupted. As well as that, the Government has control of the Dreamers in this world. They can shut off the save function, which means everyone that dies in the time it's off, is stuck up there on the ship."

Nathan could hear yelling. A firm voice was telling everyone to remain calm and then proceeding to open fire on a crowd.
A burst of screams.

"Shit, the bastards are killing them, not even giving them a chance to shut their eyes!" Carter yelled. "This is the first mass murder recorded... A hell of a lot of dead bodies are gonna be waiting back on the ship."

Suddenly, more gunfire. Some group of uniformed people had begun opening fire on the others.

"Who the hell are they?" Nathan yelled. He heard a familiar voice screaming. Alia.

"Carter, they've got Alia! We need to help her!"

"Nathan, listen to me. They've come for the two of you. It's no coincidence you were the first to be shot at."

"WHAT?!? Who are they?"

"It's the Government assholes. As far as they know, you've committed a crime."

Nathan was panicking. "I've committed a crime? They're killing innocent people! Besides, what about those other people that began opening fire on them? Who are they?"

Carter waved the question away.

"Nathan, listen to me. You're a dangerous person to them. You've been to the ship and back. You could have killed hundreds of people while they slept. They automatically think worse-case scenario. But it's imperative I keep you alive, so we have to leave Alia. She'll slow us down, and we can't have that, because as of now, you're a dangerous terrorist, and I'm your partner in crime.
So on three, we run. And if you don't run, I do, and I drag you out of here."

Nathan nodded, his entire body shaking.

"One."

More gunfire. A man fell back over the table. It wasn't a Government member, it was the other group of people. He wore a typical business man suit, but it was different to the Government members.

"Two." Carter's face was stern, determined.

"Three."

Charlie walked through the magnificent Government Building, staring in awe at the artwork. A suited man met him, a fake smile plastered on his face.

"Hello Mr Travis, welcome to Government Building. Unfortunately, Mr Path is rather busy, and unable to see you right now, but I'd be happy to speak with you on the matter." The man said, extending his arm and shaking Charlie's hand rather forcefully. "My name's Bill Tims, President Path has asked me to take care of anything in relation to him while he's away."
"I'm not doing it."
Tims kept his horrible smile, but he definitely wasn't happy.
"Ex-excuse me?"
"I'm not going to do any of your dirty work. I'm not pulling in Leonard."
Finally, Tims' smile faded.
"I see... What if I asked you to take care of someone else? Someone you don't directly know?"
"Why the hell should I? This is your job, your bloody Government's job!"
"Mr Travis, perhaps I can offer you one reason."
Charlie muttered something and turned, heading for the exit. He nearly arrived, when Tims called out across the room, his booming voice echoing through the area.
"I know what happened to Zoey."
Charlie stopped, but didn't turn around.
"What do you need done?"
"I need you to do some work for me... We have another man on our list... His name, is George Carter."
ACT II - CORRUPTION
Chapter Ten


Bullets flew past the two, as they ran for the door. Carter leaped over a chair, Nathan following after him.
As soon as they burst out the door, Carter turned to their right and began running. He turned back to find Nathan going to the left.
“Nathan! What the hell are you doing? Follow me!” he called.
Nathan turned. “They’re after me. There’s no point in you risking your life to stay with me.” Nathan yelled back.
Carter swore under his breath, and ran.
He’d been running for a few minutes now, and already, several emergency vehicles had sped past him. The gunfire was still audible in the distance, but Carter was confident Nathan would have gotten out of there. Besides, Nathan wouldn't have let Carter follow him, so there was no point regretting the decision to go separate ways.

Suddenly, out form the darkness, a bullet pierced into Carter's leg. He went to shut his eyes, but knew it was pointless. The Government would have disable saving.
A shadow appeared over him, a silhouette in the light of a nearby lamp post. Carter squinted to see the figure, the figure who now held his life in their hands. When he realised who it was, Carter lay his head back on the ground and sighed.
"Shit..."

Government Shootout - Thirteen Dead, Four Wounded Leonard sighed at the headline. He continued reading.

At roughly 7:30pm last night, Government Agents raided a restaurant in an attempt to take down a small criminal group. While civilians were present at the time, President Path's second in command, William Tims has stated that all people wounded and killed were involved in the criminal gang.

One of the leaders of the gang, Alia Henderson was captured and interrogated. It appears she exited the Dreamer in a deliberate attempt, with her partner Nathaniel Arch, to cause damage. No other details have been released at this time.

Nathaniel Arch was not captured last night. If you see him (on the right), it is suggested you call a Government Agent immediately.


Griffin looked at a photo of a man on the right of the article. He had a strong face, and short hair. A knock at the door.
"Come in, Charlie." He called.
Charlie stepped in, his head down. "Leonard..." he sat down. "Leonard, what did you do?"
"I'm not sure I understand your question."
"They say you're a criminal. Is it.. True?"
Griffin stood up. "I thought they might say that. There's corruption going on, and the only way to stop it, is to fight back. Charlie, we're going to break into the Government Building."
Chapter Eleven

"George Carter, well isn't that a surprise?" the man chuckled, unmasking Carter, to show him a dark room. Two thuggish men stood a few meters away. He was tied by his hands to a chair. The man speaking looked and sounded foreign.
Carter swore.
"I'm sure you know who I am, no?" the man asked, a grin plastered on his face. Carter didn't answer. The man lifted his foot and kicked it into Carter's stomach.
Carter keeled over trying in vain not to scream, the chair falling on top of him, smacking his face into the ground. One of the thuggish men lifted the chair up, pulling him up with it.
"When I speak, you answer me. That is your manners, no?" the man asked again, the grin growing.
"People like you don't deserve my manners."
"So I guess that means you do know me. You've caused me some trouble Mr Carter. You and I know what you've done. You've broken our deal."
"Excuse me?"
"You were to help us. And now... now you betray us?"
"I did my part of the deal, welcome to the bloody world. Once I've done my part of the deal, you pay me. Once you pay me, allies are broken. Besides, your men seem perfectly capable of handling the problems I've caused."
The grin slipped off the man's face. "This was supposed to be a smooth transition, Mr Carter. But no, you send your stupid little friends to the ship, and cause a bloody panic!"
"A panic? You killed innocent civilians in a public area, and you accuse me of causing a panic? You should be bloody well glad that your men were stopped!"
"Carter, we want no more deaths, no more panic, so I will let you go. If you try anything, ever again, you die. Understand?"
"Got it." Carter answered.
"No more panic, no?"
"No." He agreed.

Nathan had wondered the empty streets until morning, and now, it was evening again. He had nowhere to stay, nowhere to go. And for the first time he could remember, Nathan sat down, let his thoughts pour in, and sobbed into his hands, his tears washed away in the gutters.
Chapter Twelve


The car smashed through Government Building main entry, and the first major known crime spree in the Dreamers, became official.
Griffin stepped out of his car, dressed from head to toe in black. He shot at the surprised guard by the door, killing him.
Griffin kicked down the next set of doors, revealing a large open hallway with several guards ready. They began shooting.
Griffin jumped back into the entry room, hiding behind his now ruined car. The sound of rushing footsteps grew nearer. He turned to see two guards rushing. The guards raised their guns, and fell to the ground, screaming, gripping their heads.
Griffin rushed back into the hall and watched as the remaining guards fell, clutching at their heads and chests.
Up the hall, he had planned this perfectly. He calculated the distance of the average runner in his head. Any moment now, they’d crash through the side doors of the hall, but one door lay at the very end. If he could reach that door before they entered through the sides, he’d have less to deal with later.
Too late…
Five men barged through each side entrance, making it a ten against one fight. No… Ten against two.
The men fell again, crying in pain. And then…. Then one man raised his gun, and shot.
The bullet tore through his head, killing him instantly, and Griffin watched. For the bullet, had not hit him, it had not even been aimed at him, instead, one of the guards, shot another.
Damn it, they had caught on…
Charlie let out some final shots and continued running for the end doors.
He reached the doors, but they were locked. He reached for his gun, held it to his head, shut his eyes and shot.

“Alia Henderson, I believe you’ve had some… discussion with us quite recently?” a voice broke through her mind, waking her from her dreams.
A suited man stood in front of her. She was sleeping on a small bed, everything around her was white. She knew where she was.
Alia through herself at the man, only to fall back to the ground, not touching him. A deceptive window blocked her from the man, and she realised how small her room was.
“Alia, my name is Mr Tims. I want you to co-operate with me, so we can reach a better, co-operative goal.”
“Where are my children? You show me their smiling faces, you let me hold them, and then I’ll help you reach your bloody co-operative goal!”
“Mrs Henderson, I assure you, we know nothing about your children. We would have no reason to need new hosts. Now, if you’d kindly-“
Tims fell to the ground, knocking his head on the window.
Something had smashed above them, Alia had heard it. Tims was out cold from his bump. Shit. She’d have to find a way out.
A few minutes later, the roof caved in, forming a sort of ramp. Suddenly, down the ramp, a beaten up car rolled, smashing through the glass, narrowly missing Tims.
Alia rushed to the ramp. She could hear gunfire above.
Another part of the roof caved in, concrete hailing down where Tims lay. Alia turned back to the man, and was about to reach for his hand, to pull him to safety, but then, then she remembered their sweet faces, their innocent smiles, the faces of brain dead hosts, and she left Government Building, not looking back.
Last edited by Skunk_Giant on 15 Mar 2011, 03:55, edited 22 times in total.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter One is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 07 Feb 2011, 06:19

Chapter Thirteen
Griffin opened his eyes, Charlie in front of him. He felt a chill, the first real physical feeling he had felt in years. He was in the ship.
"We've got at least two more headed our way, get ready." Leonard warned.
The two turned to the sound of footsteps further up the ship. Four men turned the corner and fired shots out at the duo. Charlie quickly returned fire and passed a small hand-gun to Leonard.
"How the hell do THEY have guns?" Griffin screamed.
"They were selected for the job before they entered the Dreamers, I guess they hid weapons in their beds, just in case." Charlie replied.
"Shit! This thing's low on ammo!" Griffin cried. "Chuck some more over!"
"I've got none left. I searched for as much as I could before these guys started showing up."
"Damn it! They're exiting the Dreamers all throughout Government Building. They know what we're doing, they know you're here!"
"Well obviously! They're showing up all over the ship!" Charlie cried.
"Alright, Charlie, how long until the next set of them reach us?" Leonard asked, eying his Dreamer.
"I can't say, perhaps two minutes. Besides, they'd kill us in our sleep as soon as they got here, there's no way we'd be able to simply enter the Dreamer again..."
"Yes... yes there is." Leonard grabbed the nearest body and took began swapping his clothes for the dead man's. In the end, he looked almost like he worked for the Government.
Charlie quickly did the same with another body while Leonard kept a look out. When the two were ready, they lugged the bodies of the two dead men, and connected them to their Dreamers.
"Griffin, you better be right about this."
"Charlie, I have no doubt in my mind that this is the craziest idea ever thought of. Now run."
Chapter Fourteen
Carter didn't remember much after his little talk. He remembered seeing a rather large stick coming at him, and strangely enough, the next thing he remembered was being in a car with a black bag on his head. Next thing he knew, he was rolling in a gutter.
His captors had untied his hands, and he pulled the bag off his head as he heard their car driving off. It was still dark, but he couldn't tell how far in the night it was.
A road up, a man was asleep on a public bench.
"Get up, ya lazy bastard." He abruptly woke Nathan from his uncomfortable sleep.
"Carter? What..." Nathan sat up and drowsily rubbed his eyes. "What happened?"
"Long story, get up."
"We... we were shot at by the Government."
"Yup, c'mon, let's go." Carter began walking off.
"Wait!" Nathan called after him, quickly hopping up. "That's not weird to you? The Government shooting at us?"
"Nathan, we went over this, you're just tired." Carter answered, before sniffing the air around them, "and by the smell of it, a bit hungover."
"What about the uniformed guys that shot at back at the Government?"
"Probably a group of gung-ho, trigger happy guys who wanted some excitement. They're payin' for it now."
Nathan jogged in an attempt to keep up with Carter, who was moving with haste. "What are we doing? This whole thing is crazy! You expect me to follow you when I don't even know what I'm doing!"
"I don't see anything wrong with that." Carter replied matter-of-factly.
The two continued in this call and response matter of pointless conversation for some time, until they heard the cold, unforgiving voice.

"You left me to die." Alia was behind them, holding a sharp knife, a disgusted look on her face.
Chapter Fifteen

Alia lunged at Carter who quickly leaped out of the way. Nathan wasn't so lucky. She grabbed him from behind and held the knife to his neck. As the cold metal curved around his skin, Nathan felt his heart beeping. Carter was watching, breathing heavily.
"Don't come any closer!" Alia screamed at him, pulling Nathan's head back. "The Government have turned saves off. You die now, you're gone, so don't move if you want Nathan to live.
"Alia, we thought you were already-" Nathan began.
"Shut up!"
Alia pulled the knife back and went for a stab at Nathan's next.
Nathan shut his eyes, not out of hope that the save will work, but just out of fear. He waited... Nothing. He opened his eyes to find Alia had dropped the knife. She let go of him and sat down on the path, sobbing. When she realised they were watching her, she instantly stopped, picked up the knife again, and held it at the two men.
"I want to find out what happened to my children. We're all up against the law now, so you help me, I'll help you. If I wanted, I could stay hidden from the Government forever, but I'm willing to risk myself to help keep you hidden as well if you help me find my children. I'm not taking no for an answer..." She said bitterly.
Then, within moments, a smile appeared on her face, and she walked ahead of the two. "So, what drinks have you got at your place, Mr Carter?"
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter One is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 07 Feb 2011, 06:19

Reserved...
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter One is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 08 Feb 2011, 05:01

Chapter Two is up! :D

All feedback is appreciated. :D
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Two is Up

Post by xoxZoltanXox » 08 Feb 2011, 21:08

i think its pretty intersesting thus far. im not exactly a critic so i have nothing to say but im definitely waiting for future chapters.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Two is Up

Post by 697134002 » 08 Feb 2011, 21:12

What do any of the characters look like?
Richard Dawkins wrote:I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Two is Up

Post by Blackadder51 » 08 Feb 2011, 21:22

Im agreeing here, this is quite the interesting read. Im looking forward to the next chapter.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Two is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 09 Feb 2011, 01:14

Thanks for the positive feedback!

697134002 wrote:What do any of the characters look like?
Ah, that's my weak spot in writing, describing. Especially when it comes to characters. I'll try and add some description in for the next chapter.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Two is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 09 Feb 2011, 06:48

Chapter Three's up! :D

I think this gives a bit more information...
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Three is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 10 Feb 2011, 05:57

Chapter Four's up. More info is discovered, but more mystery is added...
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Five is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 11 Feb 2011, 08:23

Five's up. Gives more information, but I don't think I wrote it too well...
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Five is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 12 Feb 2011, 06:36

Chapter six's up!
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Six is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 13 Feb 2011, 05:54

Chapter seven's up! it's extremely short, so I'm sorry for that, but I'm rather busy tonight.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Seven is Up

Post by MKindy » 13 Feb 2011, 07:26

I'm really enjoying this story.

--Kindy

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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Seven is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 13 Feb 2011, 15:01

Glad to hear that. Chapter 8 should be up tonight (Australian time). :D
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 14 Feb 2011, 05:55

Chapter 8 is up. A LOT is explained, I'm almost worried it'll be boring to read about it all... :|
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 16 Feb 2011, 07:29

Chapter Nine's up. Not as much of an info chapter as eight, but in my opinion, more interesting... Perhaps I'm wrong though. :D
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by DuplicateValue » 16 Feb 2011, 08:50

Hey, stickied - looks like you've got some fans in the moderation team. :D

Enjoying it so far, keep it up!
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"He's like fire, and ice, and rage.
He's like the night, and the storm in the heart of the sun.
He's ancient and forever.
He burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe.
And... he's wonderful."

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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Blackadder51 » 16 Feb 2011, 08:54

DuplicateValue wrote:Hey, stickied - looks like you've got some fans in the moderation team. :D

Enjoying it so far, keep it up!
Indeed he does, I am rather enjoying this. Also its now easier for me to find....
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The Building of The Imperial City
| The Blackadder Booze Fund

We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
-Captain Edmund Blackadder.

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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 16 Feb 2011, 15:29

Hooray! :D

Chapter Ten will be up tonight... If I remember.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 17 Feb 2011, 06:40

Ten's up... A bit short. I also put acts in to help people get around. :D
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 22 Feb 2011, 01:18

Sorry about the huge gap in updates. I'll hopefully have Chapter Eleven up tonight.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Lord_Mountbatten » 22 Feb 2011, 01:22

Just so you know, I will be reading what you put in the Creative Team thread to see what I think of your writing prowess (my laziness means I haven't read much of what you put here yet). Not now though, because it's late and I need sleep.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 22 Feb 2011, 01:26

Alrighty. I'll try finding some of my other work...
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 22 Feb 2011, 06:41

Eleven's up. Again, a bit short, but it's something. :D
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 23 Feb 2011, 06:13

Twelve's up. :D

Remember, any feedback's appreciated, don't lurk! D:
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Lord_Mountbatten » 24 Feb 2011, 02:59

Right, I've finished reading all thus far.

I have to say I especially like the concept of it - was very interested to find out what was going on.

Now, I'm bad at compliments, but take it from me that I very much like what you've written.

Now, constructive criticism:

First off, there are some minor grammatical/spelling errors. Nothing too bad, but something you ought to polish up. The odd niggling mistake doesn't damage anything but it makes for a smoother read to make sure everything is spick and span.

Also, I think you need to rewrite or add to Chapters 8-12 - the pacing felt very rushed, especially that plot exposition, and the canned timeline thing from Carter also needs looking at. I raised an eyebrow quite a bit through these parts. I'm also sure you can do something better than "some group of uniformed people had begun opening fire on the others." "Some" is not a term that sounds good in that context, when narrating.

Also, the character of Dr. Griffin. What's up with this guy? You explained his friends in high places thing quite well, but I felt quizzical when he went from "Yes, I expected them to say this" to "Let's break into Government HQ!" Then he has expertise with a gun? It feels very weird, since he's a therapist. The break-in itself was also very confusing, although I did notice plot point to that, so perhaps that's okay.

Also, Carter's interrogation. "You've been bad." "Yup." "Don't do it again." "Okay."

The main thing I should stress is that you have to pace yourself.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 24 Feb 2011, 03:31

Lord_Mountbatten wrote:Right, I've finished reading all thus far.

I have to say I especially like the concept of it - was very interested to find out what was going on.

Now, I'm bad at compliments, but take it from me that I very much like what you've written.

Now, constructive criticism:

First off, there are some minor grammatical/spelling errors. Nothing too bad, but something you ought to polish up. The odd niggling mistake doesn't damage anything but it makes for a smoother read to make sure everything is spick and span.

Also, I think you need to rewrite or add to Chapters 8-12 - the pacing felt very rushed, especially that plot exposition, and the canned timeline thing from Carter also needs looking at. I raised an eyebrow quite a bit through these parts. I'm also sure you can do something better than "some group of uniformed people had begun opening fire on the others." "Some" is not a term that sounds good in that context, when narrating.

Also, the character of Dr. Griffin. What's up with this guy? You explained his friends in high places thing quite well, but I felt quizzical when he went from "Yes, I expected them to say this" to "Let's break into Government HQ!" Then he has expertise with a gun? It feels very weird, since he's a therapist. The break-in itself was also very confusing, although I did notice plot point to that, so perhaps that's okay.

Also, Carter's interrogation. "You've been bad." "Yup." "Don't do it again." "Okay."

The main thing I should stress is that you have to pace yourself.
Another one of my weaknesses, I rush things a bit too much.

The grammar errors, are mostly due to lack of proof-reading. I have no idea how I'd write 'some group of uniformed people', so I'll be sure to edit that in a moment.

Some of the things you've mentioned there will make more sense later on. Carter's interrogation, I understand seems a bit strange, but the reason for him being let off so easily will become clear towards the end.

Griffin. He is a strange character indeed, and in my opinion, will be the most interesting ultimately, besides maybe Carter. They both have strong back stories which will give a lot to the story later on. His expertise with a gun, obviously seems strange, but some very small hints have been made so far that will suggest as to why, however, I haven't put enough hints in yet for any conclusions to be made, so you'll have to wait on.
The break in on Government Building, also may seem out of place, but Griffin knows something's going on. What's going on? I can't say... you'll have to wait. :D

I'll try to slow myself down a bit more in the following chapters.

Thanks for the criticism, Lord!
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by Skunk_Giant » 26 Feb 2011, 06:20

New chapter should be up in a few days.
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Re: Disconnected - Chapter Eight is Up

Post by MKindy » 26 Feb 2011, 12:17

:o More chapters! *reads*

I didn't notice since the thread title hadn't changed. >_>

Keep it up! :D Write first, edit later.

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